From Lingering to Liberation: Finding the Way Out of Codependency

Photo by Ashley Batz on Unsplash

You're sitting across from someone you care deeply about, and there it is a suffocating feeling that you can't quite shake off. You want to stand up for yourself, to set boundaries — but you can’t. Instead, you linger a bit too long.

According to Merriam-Webster Dictionary, lingering is to be slow in parting or in quitting something.

My entire life has been more about lingering than leaving. A feeling wrapped up in an invisible force that bound me to a cycle of constant approval and fear of abandonment.

What in the world was happening? Three words: the codependency trap. It’s a real thing, and you're not the only one who’s experienced it. 

I’ve been thinking about the word, linger, due to my weekly interactions with my 70-80 year old elders. Every Thursday morning, I am fortunate enough to have enlightening conversations over breakfast with some of the sassiest and sharpest elders I have met on my travels. I am also the second youngest in attendance besides Albert’s caregiver, who is a young twenty-three year old.

Or it could be that I’ve been listening to the Cranberry's song, Linger, for days on end which reminds me how lingering is a tale of love, deceit, and the lingering feelings of desire for an impossible relationship, an impossible situation, and an impossible partner who broke the contract of love.

Either way, it got me thinking. Many of my interactions with elders are met with short but sweet ways of saying, “I do not have time to speak to you anymore, thank you, goodbye.” There are no qualms or hurt feelings, it just is. Their perception of time is limited so a lot of the time, there’s no lingering. They move on quickly.

I have appreciated every interaction I have had. For someone who grew up trying her hardest to please another human being so that she could be ‘liked’, having the ability to say no, thank you, next, is such a freeing feeling. You could literally hear the chains of your traumatic past breaking for every hard line you create. A hard-line which solidifies your appreciation for your time, your space, and your life.

Not only did I try to please the crap out of others, I lingered a bit too long because that darn codependency would always sneak up on me to pounce on others. The complexity of the nuanced terrain of CPSTD will do that to you. If it’s not one layer of trauma, don’t worry, the next one will get ya.

That's exactly why I'd love to introduce the term "linger" to capture that specific feeling of being stuck, both emotionally and behaviorally, that people trapped in codependency and the endless cycle of trying to please others go through.

Why "linger"? Well, existing terminology in the codependence worlds to the adjacent universes offers too broad of descriptions for the infinite range of behaviors associated with codependency and people-pleasing. Plus, it felt good to write this out in this manner.

Historically, figures like Karen Horney shed light on the neurotic need for approval, while Melody Beattie's seminal work, "Codependent No More," brought widespread attention to the exhausting dynamics of codependency. Modern psychology keeps digging deeper into these issues, showing us that they're not just about emotions or mind games. Sometimes, it's about how physically and psychologically tangled up we can get with someone else.

Lingering is about capturing that feeling of being suspended in a moment you know isn't good for you but from which you can't seem to break free. I like to break free from it all.

So, what does it really mean to "linger" in these situations? Imagine being frozen in place, not because you want to stay, but because you're caught up in a mix of wanting approval and fearing rejection. It's like being chained to a cycle of constantly seeking to please others at the cost of your own happiness and growth. Lingering isn't just about staying put; it's about feeling trapped in a loop that drains you, even though part of you knows it's not right.

But "lingering" is more than just a surface issue. It goes deep, tapping into the quiet battles we fight within ourselves about our self-worth, our need to belong, and our fear of losing the connections we hold dear. When we talk about lingering, we're really talking about acknowledging the complex emotions and patterns at play. It's a way to say, "I see the struggle, and it's okay to need a more thoughtful approach to navigate through this." It's about recognizing the depth of the challenge and advocating for a more sensitive and nuanced way to heal and move forward.

I've been fortunate to have elders in my life who've acted as clear mirrors, reflecting to me how much I’ve lingered in the past. Escaping the cycle of lingering in codependency and people-pleasing is no small feat; it demands both introspection and actionable steps.

Here are five steps to help guide you on this journey away from lingering and toward healthier relationship dynamics:

• Self-Reflection and Acknowledgment

• Begin by taking some time for self-reflection to understand the patterns of your relationships. Acknowledge how you linger in situations or relationships that do not serve your well-being. Recognizing and admitting to yourself that change is needed is a crucial first step.

• Educate Yourself

• Learn about codependency and people-pleasing behaviors. Resources like books, articles, and even online courses can provide insights and strategies for understanding and addressing these patterns. Knowledge is power, and understanding the dynamics at play can equip you with the tools needed to initiate change.

• Set Boundaries

• Start setting clear boundaries with others. Boundaries are essential for healthy relationships and self-care. They can be difficult to establish at first, especially if you're not used to asserting your needs. Begin with small boundaries, and communicate them firmly yet kindly to those around you. Remember, it's okay to say no and to prioritize your well-being.

• Seek Support

• You don't have to go through this process alone. Seek support from friends, family, or a support group where you can share your experiences and gain perspectives from others facing similar challenges. Professional help from a therapist or counselor who understands codependency and people-pleasing can also provide guidance and support as you work through these issues.

• Practice Self-Compassion and Self-Care

• Finally, practice self-compassion and self-care. Changing deep-seated patterns and behaviors is challenging and takes time. Be kind to yourself throughout this process. Engage in activities that nourish your body, mind, and spirit. Self-care is not selfish; it's a necessary part of the journey toward healthier relationships and a stronger sense of self.

By bringing the word "linger" into our conversations about codependency and people-pleasing, we're cracking open fresh paths for understanding, feeling more compassion, and finding new ways to help. It encourages everyone—whether you're living through it, offering therapy, or studying these patterns—to see these lingering feelings of attachment and being stuck not just as problems to get rid of, but as clues to deeper needs and fears that really need to be listened to and cared for. May you heal now and forever from the inside out.