Building Emotional Capacity: From Awareness to Acceptance
We are witnessing a time when small towns like Chimney Rock in North Carolina are wiped out in less than a day. Missiles are being launched and dropped in the Middle East, while the ports of our nation are on the brink of shutdown.
It’s a lot to handle for anyone, as many people are feeling emotionally drained or overwhelmed by the rising prices of our bare necessities. Even if someone says phrases like “build emotional resilience” or “expand your emotional capacity,” these concepts feel like distant dreams as reality bombards us with disaster after disaster — biblical in scale (a phrase I just read in another article).
The truth is, emotional capacity — our ability to cope with emotional challenges and navigate them effectively — is something many people struggle with. I’ve been thinking about this as I settle into a new city. As someone who observes more than partakes, I’ve been meeting people who are consciously or unconsciously choosing not to process or learn how to manage their emotions. This often results in emotional reactions, and sometimes emotional overload, which further dysregulates their nervous systems.
This emotional overload floods not only their minds and bodies but also exacerbates their incapacity to be fully present. Being present is one of the greatest gifts you can give to yourself and your loved ones.
In order to develop emotional capacity, the first step in any transformation is gaining some degree of awareness, which then allows us to move into emotional acceptance. Through this process, we can begin to purge the layers of emotional gunk within our system, ultimately making room for new emotional experiences.
Think of it as an emotional detox. We all need detoxes, in one shape or form.
What Is Emotional Capacity?
I went on a couple dates with a man who was kind, driven, and emotionally incapacitated. He was great at navigating his everyday business struggles and stressors. In fact, he excelled at them. Then it came time to handle ranges of emotions he wasn’t used to. Feelings like joy, sadness, anger, fear, and everything in between, with a clear female mirror was something that overwhelmed him. I understood how and why he was acting the way he was as I grew up with an emotionally unavailable father. My Dad was always there to provide for us and to make sure the household ran smoothly. But Dad was emotionally absent, striving to provide us with the basics without understanding that feeling our emotions were the basics children need.
When emotional awareness and acceptance are absent, there is no emotional capacity to be had. When we have high emotional capacity, we can navigate life’s ups and downs without becoming incapacitated by emotional overwhelm. We can self-regulate, communicate our needs effectively, and maintain healthy relationships. However, if our emotional capacity is limited, even small emotional triggers can send us spiraling into stress, anxiety, or withdrawal.
I met another woman here in this new town, and one sentence from me sent her into an immediate outburst of anger. The sentence wasn’t about her or me but was on another topic. Given my years of work with therapists and psychologists, I was equipped to discuss the situation, but she didn’t know me well, and it was one of our first conversations.
When we lack emotional capacity, we often react rather than reflect. Many people choose to stay in this conditioned state. The good news is that we have the choice to either engage with or distance ourselves from these environments and people.
The Emotional Awareness Gap
Before anyone can expand their emotional capacity, they must first understand the emotional terrain within themselves. This is where emotional awareness comes in — the ability to recognize and identify emotions as they arise.
Here’s a simple process to begin developing emotional awareness:
Recognize what is happening inside you when your emotions arise.
Tune into the physical sensations in your body.
Ask yourself what this feeling is trying to tell you.
Listen to your body’s message.
Follow the emotional flow.
Just like learning a new sport or game, recognizing that there is a gap within yourself is the first step toward emotional freedom. This awareness is essential to increasing your emotional capacity to navigate life. Without this awareness, processing emotions becomes nearly impossible. If you don’t recognize what you’re feeling, how can you manage it?
No one is born peaceful because there is something that’s called life. Peace is a state of being that needs to be cherished, fought for, and protected. There’s a saying, “protect your peace,” and once you fight your way through the shadows to get a taste of it, protecting your peace will be the first on your priority list.
Emotional Acceptance: Facing What We Feel
Emotional awareness is just the first step; the second and equally important step is emotional acceptance. Awareness helps you recognize your emotions, while acceptance means embracing them without judgment.
I can’t tell you how many people, including myself, struggle with this. Even when we become aware of our emotions, it’s just easier to push them away or deny their validity. The more pushing or denying we do, the more internal resistance we create, continuing in a cycle of avoidance, shame, or guilt.
Emotional acceptance means acknowledging that all emotions — even uncomfortable ones — are valid and worthy of attention. It allows us to feel anger, sadness, or anxiety without immediately trying to fix or suppress those feelings. Acceptance is the understanding that emotions are a natural part of the human experience, and we don’t need to judge ourselves for feeling them.
Accepting our emotions is about accepting each of us just as we are.
Why Emotional Capacity Can’t Exist Without Awareness and Acceptance
Imagine trying to fill a container with water, but the container has holes in it. No matter how much water you pour in, it will continue to leak. Emotional capacity is like that container — it requires a solid foundation. Awareness and acceptance are the processes by which we “patch up” the holes in our emotional container.
Without awareness, we are like someone trying to navigate through a storm with a blindfold on. We might know that something feels off, but we have no idea what we’re dealing with or where it’s coming from. Without acceptance, even when we become aware of our emotions, we refuse to work with them. Instead of expanding our capacity to handle them, we fight them, which only drains our emotional energy further.
Emotional capacity grows when we are willing to face our emotions head-on. Awareness helps us know what we are dealing with; acceptance allows us to process it. When we develop these two skills, we can start building the resilience and coping mechanisms needed to handle life’s emotional challenges.
Developing Emotional Capacity Step by Step
If you’ve never consciously worked on your emotional awareness or acceptance, don’t worry — it’s a skill set that can be learned and cultivated with time. Here are a few practical steps to help you build this foundation and, ultimately, expand your emotional capacity:
Check-In with Yourself Regularly: Make it a habit to pause during the day and ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now?” It can be helpful to use an emotional vocabulary list or mood tracker to identify emotions you might not usually consider. By practicing this daily, you become more attuned to the nuances of your emotional experience.
Practice Non-Judgmental Observation: When you recognize an emotion, try to observe it without attaching meaning to it or judging it. Avoid labeling emotions as “good” or “bad.” Instead, acknowledge them as simply part of your inner experience. For example, “I notice that I’m feeling anxious right now,” without spiraling into thoughts about why you shouldn’t be anxious.
Cultivate Mindfulness and Grounding Techniques: Mindfulness practices, like meditation or breathwork, can help create space between your awareness and your emotional reactions. Grounding techniques, such as focusing on your body sensations or breath, can help anchor you during emotional storms.
Talk About Your Emotions: Emotional capacity also grows in relationship to others. Sharing your feelings with trusted friends or a therapist helps you practice naming and accepting your emotions in a safe space. It’s important to feel seen and heard, even if you’re not expecting someone to “fix” your emotions.
It’s taken me my entire life to accept that my Dad was living his life for the first time as he raised me. It’s also taken me as much time to decide to become the emotional catalyst in my family.
I was once standing on a side of a gap that separated my emotional capacity from my emotional awareness. For a time, I fell victim to my conditions and accepted my fate until one day, I decided to build the bridge with my bare hands. There was no one around to show me how to do or what to do. At that moment, I dug deep to depend on the one person who would be able to show up for me time and time again.
That person was me and I knew even though I didn’t have bridge making skills, I worked too hard to get to where I was at to quit because of a gaping hole. Learning to recognize our emotions and accept them as part of our human experience gives us the resources and skills to build the resilience to handle life’s emotional challenges with ease and grace.
Otherwise we remain victims, blaming our reactions on everyone else but ourselves. Which separates us from the other side of life, which is true emotional stability and freedom.